Closer to the Edge
by Purely Tainted
Summary: About Tidus. pg-13 for couple a bad words. "Doubts and feeling of worthlessness flood me, They mix with the weight of sadness and pour from my eyes. My body is wracked with sobs as my breathing becomes haggard, I step closer to the drop off."


I do not own the characters or the songs. *lyrics* ~memories~  
  
We sat down to rest. The battle with Seymour had exhausted us all. Bevelle had taken it's toll on everyone. I tried to summon a half-hearted smile as we collapsed, " All right guys! We made it!" I cheered. Auron shot me a look that plainly said, " Tidus, shut the hell up." I dropped the smile.   
  
Wakka and Lulu huddled together as Rikku collected wood for a fire, her usual happiness somewhat dulled. Kimahri and Yuna sat alone, Kimahri muttered a few words to her. She looked like she needed it.   
  
And Auron.....  
  
Auron looked at that damn sphere, "Jecht's sphere" he called it. I felt the familiar welling of depression in my throat looking at it. Thoughts and images of my father coursed through my mind. I needed to go. Now.   
  
Quickly, I yelled, "I'm gonna go scout the area!" Auron acknowledged me with a small nod. I hurriedly ran off, not looking at where I was going. I ended up on a cliff, teetering dangerously over a large ravine. Choking back tears, I precariously ventured closer to the edge.   
  
And then the memories.   
  
~ "Are you crying?! You dumb kid! Is that who I'm raising, some kinda little crybaby wimp? ~  
  
*everything you say to me, brings me one step closer to the edge, and I'm about to break! I need a little room to breathe, cause I'm one step closer to the edge and I'm about to... BREAK!*  
  
~ A small boy plays with a blitzball. He kicks it into the air, spins, and lands flat on his face, the ball five feet in front of him. A hearty laugh is heard from behind. " What are you doing, pretending to be some kinda superstar?! Blitzball is a sport for men, not for whiny little kids! But keep trying if you want to! HA!" The boy picked back the balls and wiped the tears from his eyes. And practiced. For 5 hours.   
  
For his father~  
  
I ignored my overflowing tears and took a couple of steps closer to the edge.....   
  
*I find the answers aren't so clear. Wish i could find a way to disappear. All these thoughts they make no sense. I found bliss in ignorance. Nothing seems to go away, over and over again.*  
  
~The boy, younger this time, walks into the living room after having a nightmare. His father is talking loudly with one of his usual party guests, a bottle of liquor in his hand, his wife hanging onto his arm with affection, Both laughing. The boy swallows his pathetic whimpers and calls to them.......no one bothers to notice.~  
  
*everything you say to me brings me one step closer to the edge, and I'm about to break. I need a little room to breathe cause I'm one step closer to the edge, and I'm about to break*  
  
I am always letting people down........  
  
~ " your team lost because of you....."~  
  
~" he's so much like chappu...."   
  
"but he's not him."~  
  
*cut my life into pieces. this is my last resort. suffocation, no breathing, don't give a fuck  
  
if I cut my arm bleeding*  
  
Always failing. Doubts and feeling of worthlessness flood me, They mix with the weight of sadness and pour from my eyes. My body is wracked with sobs as my breathing becomes haggard, I step closer to the drop off.  
  
* Would it be wrong, would it be right, if i took my life tonight? Chances are that i might. Mutilation out of sight. *  
  
My arms wrap around me, trying to pull myself together.............This might be my final step.....This is the end now......  
  
*and I'm contemplating suicide*  
  
I think. I pause......why did I stop?  
  
~ "In Zanarkand, we do this to cheer on blitz players. You try it too! Put your fingers in your mouth like this."  
  
Yuna oddly stuck her fingers in her mouth, " Like this?"  
  
I laughed, " Uh-uh. not like that, like this." I showed her. "Then you just blow."  
  
She tried.....and failed miserably. "It's not working..."  
  
I urged her on, " Practice!"  
  
She smiled, "Okay...." And she blew.....she looked beautiful there, blowing with all her might. So sweet and fragile at the same time. It gave me a thought.   
  
"Hey," I said. "Use that if we get separated. Then I'll come running. okay?"  
  
She tried again.....and failed once more.   
  
I smiled, " Well, guess we should just stick together then, till you can do it."  
  
She grinned, "Yes sir!"~  
  
Stepping back a little bit, I whispered, "Yuna...."  
  
My head starts to clear, my father leaves my thoughts as they are invaded. Yuna! Yuna and Wakka and Lulu! Rikku and Kimahri and Auron! They all waiting for me, counting on me, putting duty before anything else. I am a guardian too, and I won't let anyone down! I'll see this to the end......I will show my father. I can be a man.   
  
*Things aren't the way they were before. You wouldn't even recognize me and more. Not that you knew me back then but it all comes back to me in the end. *  
  
I will prove you wrong, Jecht. I'm just as good as you were. And I'm gonna make it to the end. It's the only way. We'll all go together, as a team!   
  
My sobs are slowing now. I can feel my heartbeat returning to normal. I hear my breathing regulate. And footsteps behind me, coming slowly. I need not look to see who it is as a hand falls on my shoulder. Auron squeezes my shoulder, the closest he gets to comfort but with the same meaning to me as a hug. Then he says, " Let's go. " I turned and nodded,  
  
" I'm ready." Satisfied, he turns and begins walking back to camp. With new resolution, I follow. Prepared and ready to meet anything on the road, I bravely push the past behind me.   
  
For the team.   
  
For Jecht.   
  
But mostly, for myself. 


End file.
